On feeling replaceable

It's really strange to feel unneeded.

This is a thought I've had many times in the past few weeks.  The circumstances of my very imminent departure from my current PhD program for another are likely the sole origin of these thoughts.  I'm prematurely leaving my current program, and therefore leaving an established situation that shall remain entirely the same, except for me.  All of my classmates will stay, all of the clinical work and clients will stay, everyone will continue on with their research projects, and their friendships, and their jobs, and their lives. While my life is changing drastically, and ultimately, for the better, everyone else's is pretty much staying the same. Everything that I'm involved in here will continue along the same path after I leave.  And because everything is continuing despite my departure, I'm finding myself replaced a lot.

This is, of course, completely logical.  When a best friend leaves, you find new support systems.  When a group leader leaves, you find a new leader.  When an employee leaves you find a new employee.  It's just the way of the world.  That being said, all of this replacement makes me feel...well...really replaceable.  And that's really not a great feeling.

While I want everyone here to continue happily on without me, there's a lot of fear inside of me right now that they'll forget me, or that they won't miss me enough.  And in my brain, not missing me enough is a sign that I didn't contribute enough and make a big enough impact on anyone's life while I was here.  That I actually wasted the two years I've spent here.

This is the point in my daily entry where I try to spin the situation (or reframe it as we call it in my profession) into something positive--find the bright side.  But, you know what? Screw that.  Sometimes you just get to feel crummy, and anxious, and sad, and afraid.

These are really feelings and feelings are so good.   But sometimes, even if it's good to feel feelings, they don't feel good.

Keep on thinking,
Josie