Approximately two years ago I moved 550 miles away from my very cushy existence to an apartment near my graduate school.  For the last two years I have lived alone in an apartment and existed as a relatively independent individual (note: relatively does not mean completely--phones call parents very quickly). So, as I am nearing the end of my time in this city and moving another 1000 miles away from home in a few months, I felt that now was a good time to impart some wisdom on those of you who will soon be leaving home for the first time. For those reading this who are well distanced from the coming-of-age time of your lives, please consider this an opportunity for a sociological education that you never asked for (read: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!)

Things I've learned in my tenure as a first-time independent apartment renter and human being:

1)  Your neighborhood will change.  Two years ago when I moved into my current apartment my neighborhood was verging on sketchy, but was still firmly planted in a safe student slum.  I was content with that and knew that while I was losing the luxury of living in an area with real human beings, I was gaining proximity to work.  Within the past two years, my neighborhood has opened a free clinic and a Catholic Charities office.  Needless to say, the clientele in the area has transformed somewhat, but you know what, diversity and change keep you grounded.  Embrace it.

2)  Ants can appear without warning and will never leave you.  Every spring they will come.  They will come marching in (they actually do that--in freaky zombie-like single-file lines) and will parade right into your trashcan.  You will spray, and clean, and smush, but from that point on you will have phantom sensations of ants crawling on you at all times.

3)  If the floor is sticky it should have been mopped three months ago.  See list item 2.

4)  You should probably wash your linens.  There will come a time when you will look at your bed linens and towels and wonder when you last washed them.  This is inevitable. At this point you will want to wash them...unless you have to pay for laundry.  Then you should bring them with you next time you go to your parents' house.  Parents love when you bring dirty laundry home.  It brings them back to the good old days.

5)  Don't park on the street.  Bad things happen on the streets.  It will cost you extra money to park in a private, well-lit, gated parking garage, but it is safer for you and your car.  It will be worth it when your friends are angsting about scratches on their cars and break-ins.

6) There will come a time when you will have to make a very important choice: air conditioning or fan/ heat or layers.  Heat and air conditioning are expensive and if you are anything like me you will have very little money.  You will want to save that money and you will realize that one of the easiest ways to save money is to cut your electricity bill.  You will likely spend extended periods of time in extremes of very little and very much clothing.  You will be laughed at for your onsie and/or bathing suit, but you will be the one laughing when your electric bill comes.  

7) Another very important choice will be to decorate or save your security deposit.  While your lease says that you can hang things on walls with screws (not nails) you will think very long and hard about exactly what you want to hang on your walls and where you want to hang them.  For example, I have a nicely framed piece of artwork that I have wanted to hang in my apartment for the last two years; however, I have not hung it out of fear that I will not like the place I choose and will then have an extra hole in my wall.  Oh the agony.

8) You will inevitably collect stale cereal.  I really don't know why this happens.  It's just a thing.  I currently have six boxes of cereal, only one of which I am willing to eat from. Also, see list item 2.

9) Clean your apartment before you leave it for extended periods of time. You will not want to come home to a mess after a long trip.  You also will not want to deal with old and moldy coffee filters when you begin making coffee at 7 o'clock the morning after your homecoming.  That it is simply infuriating and you will have no one to blame but yourself.  Additionally, see list item 2.

10) Killing plants is a right of passage...  You will start with the best of intentions.  "It can't be that hard. It's only a plant.  It only needs water."  [I said before killing three basil plants and one campanula-get-mee (a.k.a. the devils flower).]

11) ...So is calling the cops on your neighbors.  This will make you feel guilty and like an old lady/man who has no life and has lost all sense of fun.  This withstanding, your sanity depends on your ability to draw the line and just call the cops using a non-emergency number.  This should be used as a last resort after calm discussion (usually followed by not-so-calm discussion) has been attempted and unsuccessful.

12)  Err on the side of gunshot.  If you are wondering if a sound was a gunshot or a skateboard, assume it was a gunshot.  This will increase your anxiety but also decrease your chances of getting killed while walking alone at night.

13) Throw away your junk mail.  Don't leave it at the mailbox.  Don't be the jerk who leaves the junk mail on the floor for people to slip on or leaves it hanging around the mailbox.  Bring it back to your apartment with you and throw it the heck away.  No one wants to deal with your garbage and it's disrespectful to the cleaning people and other tenants.  Be a good neighbor.

14)  Your neighbor is doing jumping jacks.  Just go with it.   That repeated, rhythmic, banging sound coming from above you is due to aerobic exercise.   Again,  your sanity depends on this self-deception.

15) Get a damn dishwasher!  When you are apartment hunting, don't be cheap.  A dishwasher is worth a bit of extra rent per month.  I spend at least 20 minutes a day washing dishes by hand.  That's 2 hours and 20 minutes a week that I will never get back. Time is money people!

16) Find a place you'll want to stay in for a long time.  Moving sucks.  Packing sucks. Apartment hunting sucks.  Asking friends to help you move sucks.  Helping friends move sucks.

17)  People will judge your book and DVD collections.  The first things visitors to your apartment will look for are your book and DVD collections.  Be cautious with what you choose to display and how you choose to display it.  I once had a visiting friend conspicuously move a set of horribly written but incredibly entertaining vampire novels to a different shelf because they were next to the Harry Potter series.  This offended her and apparently needed to be remedied immediately.  My collection of musical movies is apparently similarly offensive to guests.

18)  Bugs will need to be killed and you will need to do the killing.  There are these things called Silverfish.  They are the most repulsive looking insects you will ever witness.  They have endless numbers of legs and scamper about at breakneck speeds.  They are next to impossible to kill and they may terrorize you because of this.  They may also crawl on your arm while you are relaxed on your couch reading.  It will be solely your responsibility to kill these vile creatures (and other vile creatures that invade your space).  Just scream really loudly while you're doing it and understand that the crunching noise is a good thing.  It means that for at least a small period of time, you are rid of the monster.

19) Mugs procreate.  Where do they all come from!?  I've run out of room!

20)  There will come a time when you will have to buy something you never had to buy before, and it will appall, astound, and disgust you.  I never realized how many things my parents provided for me without any request on my part.  My parents are both dentists and obviously provided all of the dental supplies I ever needed.  This being said, I must have thought that toothpaste and toothbrushes apparated into existence because the first time I needed to purchase these items it was as if I had been required to purchase an elephant.  I'm fairly certain I stood in front of the toothbrushes at the grocery store for a solid five minutes before finally deciding which one to buy.  The injustice!

So there you have it--my sage advice for those about to embark independently on a voyage into the real world.  In sum: you should clean, bugs are gross, neighbors sometimes suck, you will be judged.

Keep on thinking,
Josie